Steve the Fish

I'm back

2007-02-16T02:38:00.000Z

I'm back off my extended Xmas hols. I had a nice time, though my humans neglected to buy me the laser light show I wanted so I didn't bring them back any souvenirs.

I heard this good joke while I was away though:
What does Jimmy Nail call his domesticated triffid?
Half weeds 'n' pet!

Vote for my humans!

2007-01-04T21:54:00.000Z

My humans have entered some sort of competition - I think they win some sort of day at a bigger, shinier version of Tony's room in London. You can listen to the song they've done with the player above, and then you can vote for it if you think it's dead good. If you only think it's all rght you can still vote, just give it less stars. But I'd give it five if I were you, I was involved with the finale.

You have to click the number of stars you want to give it (click the rightmost one to give it five) and then 'submit' when it appears. Go on, you know you want to. Please, it'll get them out of my way if they get to go to London. And David Gilmour's judging it, and he looks a bit like a fish.

Merry Fishmas One & All

2006-12-21T18:48:00.000Z

Hope I get all the Fisher Price toys I asked Father Fishmas for.

ManAtee virus software

2006-12-06T01:16:00.000Z

I haven't blogged in the last couple of days, because I've had a really bad computer virus - clicking pox. When I first saw the red, itchy spots I was tetrafied! It's been a bad few days, actually: first the computer went, then my pen ran out, now I've resorted to pencillin! I hope I don't get lead poisoning. I've tried antibiotics, and I'm sick of living in a bowl of calamine lotion. I'll just have to start from scratch.

Davy Jones' locker

2006-12-02T00:02:00.000Z

There's been a film out, I hear, about Davy Jones' locker and some pirates or some such. It reminded me of the time when, as a young fish, a cousin of mine got to wondering about this locker and what was actually in it. He asked about it, but no one seemed to know. He decided to find out for himself. And what was in it? Well, he says that all it contained was a monkey suit, Tippex, a shaven raisin and Mickey Dolenz's P45. Don't know what all the fuss is about really.

My family history

2006-11-25T00:22:00.000Z

I saw a programme on that telly thing what my humans look at a lot about this chap Ferdinand Magellan, and how he travelled right round the world to find the Spice Islands and make his fortune. He's some sort of hero because of this, but it's nothing! A distant relative of mine, name of Mageelan, did it ages before him. He swam right round the world, got to these Spice Islands but he wasn't having any of it because he realised when he got there that fish don't need cloves - they just get wet in the water and weigh us down, and cover up our lovely streamlined scales.

Girl Switch Your Records Off.

2006-11-22T07:01:00.000Z

I've recently had a comment wondering what I thought of Chlorine Bailey Ray's new album. Well Chlorine Bailey Sting Ray is her real name. Even with her fizzy pop personality and her fight against fungal foot infections, I don't particularly like her. I find her music excruciatingly bland and safe pop pap. Chlorine is good for humans but not for fishkind.

Steve the Fish

Tonight, Pinky, we're going to take over the world...

2006-11-20T00:35:00.000Z

I haven't been blogging for a while because I had aquatic flu, and then I've been exceedingly busy working on my plans for expansion of my liebensraum. It's going well, I've got my plans ready and my orders are in place, waiting to be executed. In the meantime, here are some jokes:

Where do pigs go to magically cure trotter boils?
Hogwarts!

Why did the bee crash into a tree?
He was miss-beehive-ing!

How do bodybuilders get to heaven?
Through the burly gates!

What's the best way to separate a congregation?
Into hymns and hearse!

Who hammers octogenarians over an anvil?
A grannysmith!

Why were the undertakers of Whooping best at their job?
Because of their coffin fit!

What did Bob Geldof do to help save the citrus fruit?
He organised limeade!

What do magnetic secretaries do?
Iron filing!

Snigger.

I've got a new hobby

2006-11-06T01:14:00.000Z

I was at a bit of a loose end recently, so I thought I'd take up a new hobby. I decided that since I have a creative flair I'd try acting. I found out where my local group meets and went along to the church hall on Friday night.

Well, it wasn't quite what I'd expected. Apart from the fact that I couldn't say 'Mackerelbeth' and people encouraged me to dislocate a fin, we stood around in a circle, and after we'd done the warm-up exercises, people were just saying things like "I ain't bovvered" and stuff.

I was quite surprised that we didn't get more acting done, but when I left I realised that I'd been to a meeting of the Immature Dramatics Society.

My little monkey

2006-11-03T01:37:00.000Z

Well my humans left me all alone for a 'Halloween/Birthday' party so I had to make my own friend. He is a monkey called Brian and now my humans have returned he is up for sale on Ebay.

If you want to own a monkey just like him then click here.

I'm a very silly fish

2006-10-24T23:28:00.000Z

I was a bit bored tonight, swimming around in my little bowl, so I thought up these jokes:

What is Japan's favourite cheese?
Gorgonzilla!

How do you create a hairless fruit in Cuba?
Shave a guava!

Why did the court musicians get upset once a month?
Because of their minstrel cycle!

What was King Midas' favourite starter?
24-carat soup!

How do you tell if a fisherman's had enough sleep?
Check if he's caught 40 winkles!

What's got a chocolate coating and an electrifying centre?
Malt-tasers!

Why did the carpenter remove 3?
Because he wanted 2 by 4!

Live web cam. Honest

2006-10-19T11:23:00.000Z

After a request for a live web cam I decided to get one installed. This was a better idea than I thought as it proves I'm not pestering Tony for food all day.

It may look like a continuous loop but it's what I do. I just swim round and round in circles all day quite innocently and I assure you I'm not up to no good.

An outrage!

2006-10-19T00:30:00.000Z

I received a tip-off about a shocking case of anti-fishism and gross stereotyping recently. 'Number One Fish Lover' wrote to me advising me of the above advert, which appeared in Saturday's Guardian.

As you can see, the advert implies that goldfish have a poor memory, and of course this is a common misconception probably put about by the same people who maintain that Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow. I don't know how they can say their data storage is better than fish memory though; in the old days everything was stored on microfish. And memory is dangerous - it only takes one megabite to get caught on a hook.

As Fish Lover pointed out, I am used to this type of racial slur, but she believes I should fight for the rights of goldfish everywhere. I am inclined to agree, as if we let this kind of bigotry and prejudice go unchallenged it will only get worse. She suggests a boycott of all Jessops stores, and I think that this plus fishy sanctions imposed on them and widespread demonstrations should get the message across nicely.

I would like to point out to Number One Fish Lover, though, that liking fish for supper is not actually something we encourage. Although as long as you just stick to the halibut and those pesky crustaceans it's OK. Cod's alright as well, they're no use to no one.

Church of Rolf Update

2006-10-16T12:55:00.000Z

I couldn't believe it when I got my fins on the latest product from Sir Rolf off Seabay. It's the 'Stylophone'. I was so pleased to get the latest fashionable mobile phone.

But it's a scam, it's only a pen on a wire with a box. You can't even communicate by writing with it. It makes an annoying buzzing sound when you try.

I'm starting to lose faith.

Exchange students from the school of fish

2006-10-15T16:44:00.000Z

I recently received an anonymous comment about the alleged foreign fish who live with me. I feel that I must reply to this accusation ('Steve the Gangmaster') before my reputation is sullied for good. I must have my say in this tropical debate.

These fish, whom I generously allowed into my home, assured me that they had all the relevant paperwork. Although it had been difficult for them to get passports, they managed to swim past the port very quickly and leave their country that way. They informed me that they would be studying, and as such all had student visas.

And yes, their conditions were hot and they shared a tank, but that's how they live where they come from, and they said it would be fine. OK, they could see me in my large, comfortable globe of importance, but to allow them the same living conditions would be to give them the impression they had the same rights as me, a fish native to these shores. I worked hard to get where I am today, building myself up from just another common goldfish to Steve, with my own bowl and two humans. And I wouldn't like to swallow one of the smaller ones by accident. I'm sure the smaller fish wouldn't have liked that either.

In any case, the fish have a lifespan of around two years, so they have now left their tank for the big white bowl in the bathroom - I mean fishbowl in the sky, and I have not yet taken in any more immigrant labourers - I mean exchange students.

My X-ray vision

2006-10-09T21:31:00.000Z

An interesting fact about me is that I'm a goldfish, so I have excellent vision. Goldfish, and another fish and some birds and insects too, can see in infra-red and ultra-violet as well as the visible spectrum mere humans see in. This means, of course, that I can see the infra-red beam of Frank, the TV remote control (most annoying). Some people have even suggested that can see through thin metals, and I can confirm that this is true, but it doesn't tend to come in all that useful.

Another interesting fact about me (being a goldfish) is that I can not only recognise humans, but different ones at that. I know which ones are likely to feed me and which ones are easily tricked into feeding me twice. This can backfire, as I am an opportunistic feeder (like all fish) and if I eat too much my intestines could burst. Yuck.

And of course I have a much longer memory than 30 seconds (or three seconds, as one vicious rumour had it), so don't think I've forgotten...

2006-10-09T00:28:00.000Z

I was sent this picture this weekend. It was made from the hair clippings from the cutting room floor of the Pixar studios, and dyed purple using Monsters Ink.

My memoirs 1

2006-10-02T22:19:00.000Z

I was reminiscing today about my early life. It hasn't all been a bed of roses, with two humans on hand 24 hours a day, attending to my every whim and spoiling me rotten.

Yes, they rescued me from a pet shop in Gateshead where we lived sometimes ten or fifteen fish to a tank, and packed into this little shop like so much merchandise. There might have been five thousand of us altogether. Oh, it was a lucky escape. And you know how many humans we had looking after us? Only one.

Who would have thought one human could feed five thousand fishes?

Grapes and Worcester

2006-09-28T22:55:00.000Z

Emperor: 'Feed me grapes!'
Grapes: 'Yes sir, very well sir...'

I am immortalised in verse form once again

2006-09-27T09:29:00.000Z

I've had a poetry submission, from the Lady Leggott. I am honoured to be the subject of such a fine limerick and have published it in its entirety:

While surfing the net late one night,
I found a remarkable site!
It's penned by young "Steve",
Though it's hard to believe
That a fish-fingered fishy can write!

Book Review

2006-09-26T06:04:00.000Z

This is the book I'm reading at the moment. It's an autobiography by Charlotte Perch entitled 'Thrills & Krills in Whales'.

It sounded like it was going to be fun, but I lost interest after 30 seconds. Well I admit, I don't have a great attention span and this is due to.... hmm...?..?. Oh well, never mind.

I might read this book today.

Battle of biscuits

2006-09-25T22:46:00.000Z

My human learns a lot at her day job. Recently, she told me all about the battle of the biscuits, which took place at some point in history. Probably.
The main factions were Garibaldi and the Bourbons, although the Battenburgs had a part to play. Other notable figures were Napoleon and the orange Viscount of biscuits, Cardinal Richtea.
George Lucas fictionalised the battles in Star Wars, in which the Mint Imperials fought the Revel Alliance.

Aren't humans completely nuts?

2006-09-23T22:15:00.000Z

My humans name all their household items. Their cushions, for example, are Peter Cushion, and their blankets are Cate Blanket. Their cooker is called Russell Hobbs, their toilet is Armitage Shanks and their remote control is called Frank Zappa. Their microwave is named after its inventor, Hans Smallgesture.

Olimpet bid

2006-09-21T22:17:00.000Z

I'm planning on trying out for the 2012 Olimpet Games team. I'm quite confident on the swimming front, but I'm also thinking of trying to get in on the teams for skimnastics, meniscus-throwing, the fryathlon, downhill salmon skiing and the new event they're introducing, motorpike racing (with sidecarp).

They might also be bringing back that Roman arena sport - gladiators vs goldfish. It's fought in knee deep water, the gladiator equipped with a harpoon (therefore making him not a gladiator, but there you go). The goldfish would need a flag attached so the spectators could see where he was. Or maybe some sort of underwater fishcam-type arrangement. And to make things more exciting there might be a couple of piranhas, and the crowd might try and smuggle in an electric eel to chuck in. Sounds a bit dangerous, but exhilarating, yes?

The Underwaterworld

2006-09-20T00:40:00.000Z

The local gangstarfish came round today for a couple of fishsticks and a cuppa. They'd just paid a visit to Mr. Jellyfish, who told them everything because he's spineless. He was supposed to be keeping the bootleg AquaClear, so they asked me to look after it instead. I said no, obviously. I've got nowhere to hide it in this tank! Well, they decided to replace my water with it, which was annoying because I'd just topped myself up with vodka. I could just do with a drink now - bloody Crayfish Twins.

Free Stuff!

2006-09-19T02:50:00.000Z

Yes Believe it, it's FREE

Click on the box link below to download this cool Steve The Fish screensaver

Once downloaded just run to install.

An early Fishmas present idea

2006-09-18T22:51:00.001Z

My grandad Albert the Fish is getting on a bit these days, and to help him get around his tank more easily I've decided to get him a skimmer frame for Fishmas.

Limericks

2006-09-18T22:51:00.000Z

There once was a goldfish called Steve,
Who was found to be absent without leave.
He was out of his quarters
Like a fish out of water
And now he finds it difficult to breathe.

Send any poems (about me, please!) to stevethefishmail@yahoo.co.uk

A narrow escape

2006-09-18T01:51:00.000Z

I've had quite a crazy weekend. My humans changed my water and I wasn't very pleased. I mean, the old water made me itch but it was my water.

Then they were making wallpaper paste out of flour, and it was so hot I ended up getting quite sticky.

Anyway, we had a bit of a tiff and the long and short of it is I ended up in Dr. Chippy's refuge for battered fish.

Doctor Chippy said he was the salt of the earth but I didn't expect him to try and drown me in vinegar.

A Challenging Puzzle

2006-09-16T06:16:00.000Z

I do love a challenge, but I am completely stuck on this Sudoku.

I will need more than a five minute fish stick break to do this!

May have to call Halibut Einstein for his theories on Quantum Phishsticks.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor...

2006-09-16T03:34:00.000Z

William Shakespeare, "The Tragedy of Prince Charles"

PRINCE CHARLES: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

CATESBY: I'm sure she's worth it!

Question Time 2

2006-09-15T23:52:00.000Z

I've had another letter from a concerned reader:

A friend of mine is very scared of octopuses and squid, and is afraid they may drop from the sky and land on her head (for some reason). How do you feel about these denizens of the deep?
Yours, Fishface

I personally have little to fear from octopodes and squid, as my bowl has a lid to protect me from such eventualities. I sympathise with your friend's cephalopodophobia, though. I suggest a simple remedy such as the octopus-repellant umbrella (as illustrated). It is coated with Oldspice, the aftershave favoured by Captain Nemo and the reason he won his battles with giant squid.

Alternatively, a thin tube with a sign above it saying "I bet you can't squeeze through this" is an irresistable challenge to a squid. It will then be impaled on the concealed spike at the end, releasing its ink and creating a handy pen.

And if all else fails, there's nothing more devastating to an octopus than a hefty kick in the tentacles.

Question Time 1

2006-09-14T16:02:00.000Z

I received this email from a reader today:

Dear Steve the fish
In the paper today there was a story about a goldfish that had cosmetic surgery after visitors to the Royal Museum of Scotland said it was ugly. Would you consider cosmetic surgery, and, if so, under what circumstances?
From A Fish Lover

Well, A Fish Lover, I'm not exactly what you'd call a flat fish, but I have considered shrimplants in the past. However, I've heard some terrifying stories about shrimplants imploding on submarine journeys and at very low depths, so I decided against the op. My humans like me the way I am anyway. Hopefully the Scottish fish is pleased with his new look and I wish him all the best.

Am I too big for my bowl?

2006-09-13T14:02:00.000Z

If you think I'm getting too big for my bowl, why not leave comments or better still email me with any jokes pictures or anything fish related.

stevethefishmail@yahoo.co.uk

If you're new to the world of Steve The Fish, why not check out the archives to catch up on past madness.

Thank you all for your time,
Lots of Love
Steve The Fish

What I want for Christmas

2006-09-13T13:18:00.000Z

I do hope my humans get me one of these new fishbowl body extensions for Christmas, freedom to run around and do what I want.

It would be great to go out at night chasing cats and squirting them with water.

Sesame Street

2006-09-11T22:55:00.000Z

I love Sesame Street and it inspired me to come up with these jokes:

What do they use on Sesame Street to make their workforce more productive?
Elmo grease!

What does Big Bird use to count?
A Snuffle-abacus!

Who's the richest on Sesame Street?
Cookie Monster, because he's got the most dough!

What's green and lives in a cave by itself?
Hermit the Frog!

Oh dear.

I've been a bad bad fish (Sir Rolf confessions 1)

2006-09-10T21:07:00.000Z

I must confess my sins. My soul feels heavy and requires ablution. In the absence of Sir Rolf or one of his specially ordained Rolfaroos I'm confessing all online in the hope of electronic absolution.

Last night one of my humans, Laura, fell asleep and my other one, Tony, fed me my usual supper of three delightful fish sticks. Laura then awoke in a panic thinking I was starving to death, not having had my evening meal. By this time Tony had fallen asleep and was unable to inform Laura of the folly of her imminent actions, and I'm afraid to say I did not enlighten her as to my quenched appetite. I put on my best neglected puppy-dog cute kitten eyes and ate another three pieces of fish-based product. And this morning I had my breakfast as usual.

I must confess to the Church of Rolf or I will eternally churn with guilt and rather than go to the big fishbowl in the sky, I will descend to the fiery depths and face Beelzebubble himself.

If any of you are similarly guilt-ridden, confess all in the comment box and we'll send them off to Sir Rolf.

A wizard goes into a chippy...

2006-09-10T15:50:00.000Z

A bargain?

2006-09-09T00:40:00.000Z

I bought a second-hand watch on eBay last week and it arrived today. It's very nice, and it was certainly cheap, but I wish it had a minute hand and hour hand as well.

Plea for help

2006-09-07T23:56:00.000Z

I haven't always been such a fine specimen of a fish. As you can see from this photo, when I was younger I was afflicted with neon tetra disease. This terrible ailment affects fish young and old, and can strike at any time. Public prejudice means that sometimes fish with neon tetra disease are shunned in society, or looked upon as inferior fishes. This is not the case, and any fish can get it regardless of species or bowl size.

In the same spirit, I thought I would take this opportunity to highlight some of the worst fish problems and suggest a solution.

White spot disease, a common debilitating disease, is often underrated. It is classed as cosmetic and therefore is not eligible for FHS treatment but can have serious psychological repercussions. If you would like to help, please donate orange felt tip pens to Steve the Fish and I will pass them on to sufferers of White Spot.

Fin Rot, a very serious problem for fish of a certain age, is difficult to treat. However, I have heard of a new product on the market that claims to help. Fish Fingers could provide the solution to this disability as a prosthetic aid to those fish who find their own fins too rotten to use.

More favourite films

2006-09-07T03:57:00.000Z

Another favourite film of mine is this classic.

The Codfather.

2006-09-07T03:28:00.000Z

This is one of my favourite films.

Starfish Wars The Plankton Menace.

Bush Whacking

2006-09-06T17:20:00.000Z

I do enjoy the great outdoors. This weekend I`m going to be mostly bush whacking.

Weather forecast

2006-09-05T23:15:00.000Z

Here is the weather forecast:

Today - wet
Tomorrow - wet
Thursday - clearer because my bowl's being cleaned

(kindly provided for me by the lovely meteorologist Vicki)

Gallery addition

2006-09-05T16:11:00.000Z

This picture comes from the team at AIRS, at Gateshead Council. It's their combined effort and I must say I think it's rather good. I don't know if I like the look of that fish with the big pointy teeth though.

Steve the Fish gallery

2006-09-05T09:24:00.000Z

Inspired by Sir Rolf I have done this self portrait using sponges and oils. I would have used water colours but they make my home dirty.

If anyone out there has any fish related art and would like it to appear in the Steve the Fish gallery send it to the following address.

stevethefishmail@yahoo.co.uk

The Church of Rolf

2006-09-05T08:14:00.000Z

Not being a religious fish by nature, I couldn't believe it when I was asked to join the church of Rolf. I jumped at the chance, who could resist the three legged animal loving wobbleboard artist.

New species discovered!

2006-09-04T17:24:00.000Z

I read with some excitement today that a new porcine species has been discovered. It was discovered just outside the city of Port Moresby, and has got ecologists mixing up their samples in glee.

The creature is no bigger than a giant's hand, and has long, soft hair which can be black or brown. The sighting of a population of several hundred of these animals is being heralded as the most important scientific finding this decade.

The reason it means so much is that these miniature hogs appear to have a genetic predisposition to scientific testing. They can be used in animal experimentation with great success, and researchers hope to be able to phase out kittens and monkeys within five years.

The swine have provisionally been named after their country of origin, and are known as Papua New Guinea Pigs.

The history of fruit

2006-09-02T00:06:00.000Z

I acquired today the following interesting fruit-related knowledge:

Strawberries were first used to block the straws of giants, thus inhibiting milk drinking and retarding bone development. The Brazilian giant, Ronaldo McDonaldo, got wise and blew the strawberry back into his milk, creating a refreshing complement to a tasty burger and fries. The jolly green giant of Switzerland revolted and used his straw as a sweetpea shooter, and attacked the peasants as they worked in the cornfields, inventing sweetcorn.

Blackberries used to be called whiteberries, until the name was changed in the early 60s when Cilla White was inducted into the Black Panthers by Malcolm X.

Gooseberries come from goosebumps. The goosebumper (or scaremongerer, as they are sometimes known) frightens the goose, bashes it and extracts the berries from the bumps.

Raspberries were discovered by tree-culling presenter Phillippa Forester when she had bodily function disorder while on location for Tomorrow's World.

Tayberries, although not commonly heard of, are of alien origin. Tayberry is an anagram of Terry Bay, which is in the Orion nebula, not to be trusted.

Gran Designs

2006-09-01T01:55:00.000Z

I was watching TV today and I saw this really cool programme. It was called Gran Designs, presented by Connie McCloud. She's about 80 or something and she just goes into people's homes who want a makeover and sorts their house out granny-style. It was full of really helpful hints, actually.

This is what she looks like (above).

She made some curtains for somebody out of a fabric that looked suspiciously like one of her dresses and saved them a fortune on buying blinds. Then she gave their rugs a good cleaning by beating them. You wouldn't have thought she had the strength.

Then she gave them all these helpful tips like using Alka-Seltzer to clean the loo or polish jewellery, and air freshener to clean mirrors. And apparently ants won't cross a chalk line. Maybe it gets between their little toes and glues them up.

I'm doubtful about that last one but I don't tend to have too much trouble with ants where I live, in my little bubble of Steveland. Anyway, I'll be using lemon juice on my glass as I do have quite a lot of that and I heard the acid will get it all shiny. Mmm... shiny bright.

My holiday reading

2006-08-28T16:57:00.000Z

What with it being Bank Holiday weekend, it's been rather rainy so I've been staying in and catching up on some reading. Here are some selected titles from my reading list:

'Meat and dairy-based foods' by Scott Cheggs
'Fading away' by Peter Out (Peter's autobiography)
'You must be joking' by Paul Myleg
'How to rock 'n' roll' by Tristan Shout
'Measuring earthquakes' by Derek Terscale
'Prosthetic feet' by Roberto Andheel
'Time for a break' by Tina Biscuit
'Keeping secrets' by Chantelle Ifyoudont
'How to sew' by Fred Needle
'Got no cash' by Wilma Chequedo

So as you can see I'm a fairly eclectic reader, and am now well up on the difficulties of having prosthetic feet and skilled in the arts of rock 'n' roll, sewing and earthquake-measuring. I hope to apply these skills in a real-life situation soon.

2006-08-23T00:19:00.000Z

This is a photo of me in my green hat.

Lost in the psychedelic sounds of the Doors

2006-08-22T23:48:00.000Z

Due to the psychedelic sounds of the Doors, I forgot that I had just recently been fed three tasty bits of pillow-formed food by Tony, thus proving the short memory span of goldfish but only when listening to 60s music. I find myself skimming the top in spirals, sending out unrequited bubbles with no promise of food on the horizon. Maybe this is a flashback.