Question Time 2

I've had another letter from a concerned reader:

A friend of mine is very scared of octopuses and squid, and is afraid they may drop from the sky and land on her head (for some reason). How do you feel about these denizens of the deep?
Yours, Fishface

I personally have little to fear from octopodes and squid, as my bowl has a lid to protect me from such eventualities. I sympathise with your friend's cephalopodophobia, though. I suggest a simple remedy such as the octopus-repellant umbrella (as illustrated). It is coated with Oldspice, the aftershave favoured by Captain Nemo and the reason he won his battles with giant squid.

Alternatively, a thin tube with a sign above it saying "I bet you can't squeeze through this" is an irresistable challenge to a squid. It will then be impaled on the concealed spike at the end, releasing its ink and creating a handy pen.

And if all else fails, there's nothing more devastating to an octopus than a hefty kick in the tentacles.