I'm back

I'm back off my extended Xmas hols. I had a nice time, though my humans neglected to buy me the laser light show I wanted so I didn't bring them back any souvenirs.

I heard this good joke while I was away though:
What does Jimmy Nail call his domesticated triffid?
Half weeds 'n' pet!

Vote for my humans!

My humans have entered some sort of competition - I think they win some sort of day at a bigger, shinier version of Tony's room in London. You can listen to the song they've done with the player above, and then you can vote for it if you think it's dead good. If you only think it's all rght you can still vote, just give it less stars. But I'd give it five if I were you, I was involved with the finale.

You have to click the number of stars you want to give it (click the rightmost one to give it five) and then 'submit' when it appears. Go on, you know you want to. Please, it'll get them out of my way if they get to go to London. And David Gilmour's judging it, and he looks a bit like a fish.

Merry Fishmas One & All

Hope I get all the Fisher Price toys I asked Father Fishmas for.

ManAtee virus software

I haven't blogged in the last couple of days, because I've had a really bad computer virus - clicking pox. When I first saw the red, itchy spots I was tetrafied! It's been a bad few days, actually: first the computer went, then my pen ran out, now I've resorted to pencillin! I hope I don't get lead poisoning. I've tried antibiotics, and I'm sick of living in a bowl of calamine lotion. I'll just have to start from scratch.

Davy Jones' locker

There's been a film out, I hear, about Davy Jones' locker and some pirates or some such. It reminded me of the time when, as a young fish, a cousin of mine got to wondering about this locker and what was actually in it. He asked about it, but no one seemed to know. He decided to find out for himself. And what was in it? Well, he says that all it contained was a monkey suit, Tippex, a shaven raisin and Mickey Dolenz's P45. Don't know what all the fuss is about really.

My family history

I saw a programme on that telly thing what my humans look at a lot about this chap Ferdinand Magellan, and how he travelled right round the world to find the Spice Islands and make his fortune. He's some sort of hero because of this, but it's nothing! A distant relative of mine, name of Mageelan, did it ages before him. He swam right round the world, got to these Spice Islands but he wasn't having any of it because he realised when he got there that fish don't need cloves - they just get wet in the water and weigh us down, and cover up our lovely streamlined scales.

Girl Switch Your Records Off.

I've recently had a comment wondering what I thought of Chlorine Bailey Ray's new album. Well Chlorine Bailey Sting Ray is her real name. Even with her fizzy pop personality and her fight against fungal foot infections, I don't particularly like her. I find her music excruciatingly bland and safe pop pap. Chlorine is good for humans but not for fishkind.

Steve the Fish

Tonight, Pinky, we're going to take over the world...

I haven't been blogging for a while because I had aquatic flu, and then I've been exceedingly busy working on my plans for expansion of my liebensraum. It's going well, I've got my plans ready and my orders are in place, waiting to be executed. In the meantime, here are some jokes:

Where do pigs go to magically cure trotter boils?
Hogwarts!

Why did the bee crash into a tree?
He was miss-beehive-ing!

How do bodybuilders get to heaven?
Through the burly gates!

What's the best way to separate a congregation?
Into hymns and hearse!

Who hammers octogenarians over an anvil?
A grannysmith!

Why were the undertakers of Whooping best at their job?
Because of their coffin fit!

What did Bob Geldof do to help save the citrus fruit?
He organised limeade!

What do magnetic secretaries do?
Iron filing!

Snigger.

I've got a new hobby

I was at a bit of a loose end recently, so I thought I'd take up a new hobby. I decided that since I have a creative flair I'd try acting. I found out where my local group meets and went along to the church hall on Friday night.

Well, it wasn't quite what I'd expected. Apart from the fact that I couldn't say 'Mackerelbeth' and people encouraged me to dislocate a fin, we stood around in a circle, and after we'd done the warm-up exercises, people were just saying things like "I ain't bovvered" and stuff.

I was quite surprised that we didn't get more acting done, but when I left I realised that I'd been to a meeting of the Immature Dramatics Society.

My little monkey

Well my humans left me all alone for a 'Halloween/Birthday' party so I had to make my own friend. He is a monkey called Brian and now my humans have returned he is up for sale on Ebay.

If you want to own a monkey just like him then click here.