Grapes and Worcester

Emperor: 'Feed me grapes!'
Grapes: 'Yes sir, very well sir...'

I am immortalised in verse form once again

I've had a poetry submission, from the Lady Leggott. I am honoured to be the subject of such a fine limerick and have published it in its entirety:

While surfing the net late one night,
I found a remarkable site!
It's penned by young "Steve",
Though it's hard to believe
That a fish-fingered fishy can write!

Book Review

This is the book I'm reading at the moment. It's an autobiography by Charlotte Perch entitled 'Thrills & Krills in Whales'.

It sounded like it was going to be fun, but I lost interest after 30 seconds. Well I admit, I don't have a great attention span and this is due to.... hmm...?..?. Oh well, never mind.

I might read this book today.

Battle of biscuits

My human learns a lot at her day job. Recently, she told me all about the battle of the biscuits, which took place at some point in history. Probably.
The main factions were Garibaldi and the Bourbons, although the Battenburgs had a part to play. Other notable figures were Napoleon and the orange Viscount of biscuits, Cardinal Richtea.
George Lucas fictionalised the battles in Star Wars, in which the Mint Imperials fought the Revel Alliance.

Aren't humans completely nuts?

My humans name all their household items. Their cushions, for example, are Peter Cushion, and their blankets are Cate Blanket. Their cooker is called Russell Hobbs, their toilet is Armitage Shanks and their remote control is called Frank Zappa. Their microwave is named after its inventor, Hans Smallgesture.

Olimpet bid

I'm planning on trying out for the 2012 Olimpet Games team. I'm quite confident on the swimming front, but I'm also thinking of trying to get in on the teams for skimnastics, meniscus-throwing, the fryathlon, downhill salmon skiing and the new event they're introducing, motorpike racing (with sidecarp).

They might also be bringing back that Roman arena sport - gladiators vs goldfish. It's fought in knee deep water, the gladiator equipped with a harpoon (therefore making him not a gladiator, but there you go). The goldfish would need a flag attached so the spectators could see where he was. Or maybe some sort of underwater fishcam-type arrangement. And to make things more exciting there might be a couple of piranhas, and the crowd might try and smuggle in an electric eel to chuck in. Sounds a bit dangerous, but exhilarating, yes?

The Underwaterworld

The local gangstarfish came round today for a couple of fishsticks and a cuppa. They'd just paid a visit to Mr. Jellyfish, who told them everything because he's spineless. He was supposed to be keeping the bootleg AquaClear, so they asked me to look after it instead. I said no, obviously. I've got nowhere to hide it in this tank! Well, they decided to replace my water with it, which was annoying because I'd just topped myself up with vodka. I could just do with a drink now - bloody Crayfish Twins.

Free Stuff!

Yes Believe it, it's FREE

Click on the box link below to download this cool Steve The Fish screensaver

Once downloaded just run to install.

An early Fishmas present idea

My grandad Albert the Fish is getting on a bit these days, and to help him get around his tank more easily I've decided to get him a skimmer frame for Fishmas.

Limericks

There once was a goldfish called Steve,
Who was found to be absent without leave.
He was out of his quarters
Like a fish out of water
And now he finds it difficult to breathe.

Send any poems (about me, please!) to stevethefishmail@yahoo.co.uk

A narrow escape

I've had quite a crazy weekend. My humans changed my water and I wasn't very pleased. I mean, the old water made me itch but it was my water.

Then they were making wallpaper paste out of flour, and it was so hot I ended up getting quite sticky.

Anyway, we had a bit of a tiff and the long and short of it is I ended up in Dr. Chippy's refuge for battered fish.

Doctor Chippy said he was the salt of the earth but I didn't expect him to try and drown me in vinegar.

A Challenging Puzzle

I do love a challenge, but I am completely stuck on this Sudoku.

I will need more than a five minute fish stick break to do this!

May have to call Halibut Einstein for his theories on Quantum Phishsticks.

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor...

William Shakespeare, "The Tragedy of Prince Charles"

PRINCE CHARLES: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

CATESBY: I'm sure she's worth it!

Question Time 2

I've had another letter from a concerned reader:

A friend of mine is very scared of octopuses and squid, and is afraid they may drop from the sky and land on her head (for some reason). How do you feel about these denizens of the deep?
Yours, Fishface

I personally have little to fear from octopodes and squid, as my bowl has a lid to protect me from such eventualities. I sympathise with your friend's cephalopodophobia, though. I suggest a simple remedy such as the octopus-repellant umbrella (as illustrated). It is coated with Oldspice, the aftershave favoured by Captain Nemo and the reason he won his battles with giant squid.

Alternatively, a thin tube with a sign above it saying "I bet you can't squeeze through this" is an irresistable challenge to a squid. It will then be impaled on the concealed spike at the end, releasing its ink and creating a handy pen.

And if all else fails, there's nothing more devastating to an octopus than a hefty kick in the tentacles.

Question Time 1

I received this email from a reader today:

Dear Steve the fish
In the paper today there was a story about a goldfish that had cosmetic surgery after visitors to the Royal Museum of Scotland said it was ugly. Would you consider cosmetic surgery, and, if so, under what circumstances?
From A Fish Lover

Well, A Fish Lover, I'm not exactly what you'd call a flat fish, but I have considered shrimplants in the past. However, I've heard some terrifying stories about shrimplants imploding on submarine journeys and at very low depths, so I decided against the op. My humans like me the way I am anyway. Hopefully the Scottish fish is pleased with his new look and I wish him all the best.

Am I too big for my bowl?

If you think I'm getting too big for my bowl, why not leave comments or better still email me with any jokes pictures or anything fish related.

stevethefishmail@yahoo.co.uk

If you're new to the world of Steve The Fish, why not check out the archives to catch up on past madness.

Thank you all for your time,
Lots of Love
Steve The Fish

What I want for Christmas

I do hope my humans get me one of these new fishbowl body extensions for Christmas, freedom to run around and do what I want.

It would be great to go out at night chasing cats and squirting them with water.

Sesame Street

I love Sesame Street and it inspired me to come up with these jokes:

What do they use on Sesame Street to make their workforce more productive?
Elmo grease!

What does Big Bird use to count?
A Snuffle-abacus!

Who's the richest on Sesame Street?
Cookie Monster, because he's got the most dough!

What's green and lives in a cave by itself?
Hermit the Frog!

Oh dear.

I've been a bad bad fish (Sir Rolf confessions 1)

I must confess my sins. My soul feels heavy and requires ablution. In the absence of Sir Rolf or one of his specially ordained Rolfaroos I'm confessing all online in the hope of electronic absolution.

Last night one of my humans, Laura, fell asleep and my other one, Tony, fed me my usual supper of three delightful fish sticks. Laura then awoke in a panic thinking I was starving to death, not having had my evening meal. By this time Tony had fallen asleep and was unable to inform Laura of the folly of her imminent actions, and I'm afraid to say I did not enlighten her as to my quenched appetite. I put on my best neglected puppy-dog cute kitten eyes and ate another three pieces of fish-based product. And this morning I had my breakfast as usual.

I must confess to the Church of Rolf or I will eternally churn with guilt and rather than go to the big fishbowl in the sky, I will descend to the fiery depths and face Beelzebubble himself.

If any of you are similarly guilt-ridden, confess all in the comment box and we'll send them off to Sir Rolf.

A wizard goes into a chippy...

A bargain?

I bought a second-hand watch on eBay last week and it arrived today. It's very nice, and it was certainly cheap, but I wish it had a minute hand and hour hand as well.

Plea for help

I haven't always been such a fine specimen of a fish. As you can see from this photo, when I was younger I was afflicted with neon tetra disease. This terrible ailment affects fish young and old, and can strike at any time. Public prejudice means that sometimes fish with neon tetra disease are shunned in society, or looked upon as inferior fishes. This is not the case, and any fish can get it regardless of species or bowl size.

In the same spirit, I thought I would take this opportunity to highlight some of the worst fish problems and suggest a solution.

White spot disease, a common debilitating disease, is often underrated. It is classed as cosmetic and therefore is not eligible for FHS treatment but can have serious psychological repercussions. If you would like to help, please donate orange felt tip pens to Steve the Fish and I will pass them on to sufferers of White Spot.

Fin Rot, a very serious problem for fish of a certain age, is difficult to treat. However, I have heard of a new product on the market that claims to help. Fish Fingers could provide the solution to this disability as a prosthetic aid to those fish who find their own fins too rotten to use.

More favourite films

Another favourite film of mine is this classic.

The Codfather.

This is one of my favourite films.

Starfish Wars The Plankton Menace.

Bush Whacking

I do enjoy the great outdoors. This weekend I`m going to be mostly bush whacking.

Weather forecast

Here is the weather forecast:

Today - wet
Tomorrow - wet
Thursday - clearer because my bowl's being cleaned

(kindly provided for me by the lovely meteorologist Vicki)

Gallery addition

This picture comes from the team at AIRS, at Gateshead Council. It's their combined effort and I must say I think it's rather good. I don't know if I like the look of that fish with the big pointy teeth though.

Steve the Fish gallery

Inspired by Sir Rolf I have done this self portrait using sponges and oils. I would have used water colours but they make my home dirty.

If anyone out there has any fish related art and would like it to appear in the Steve the Fish gallery send it to the following address.

stevethefishmail@yahoo.co.uk

The Church of Rolf

Not being a religious fish by nature, I couldn't believe it when I was asked to join the church of Rolf. I jumped at the chance, who could resist the three legged animal loving wobbleboard artist.

New species discovered!

I read with some excitement today that a new porcine species has been discovered. It was discovered just outside the city of Port Moresby, and has got ecologists mixing up their samples in glee.

The creature is no bigger than a giant's hand, and has long, soft hair which can be black or brown. The sighting of a population of several hundred of these animals is being heralded as the most important scientific finding this decade.

The reason it means so much is that these miniature hogs appear to have a genetic predisposition to scientific testing. They can be used in animal experimentation with great success, and researchers hope to be able to phase out kittens and monkeys within five years.

The swine have provisionally been named after their country of origin, and are known as Papua New Guinea Pigs.

The history of fruit

I acquired today the following interesting fruit-related knowledge:

Strawberries were first used to block the straws of giants, thus inhibiting milk drinking and retarding bone development. The Brazilian giant, Ronaldo McDonaldo, got wise and blew the strawberry back into his milk, creating a refreshing complement to a tasty burger and fries. The jolly green giant of Switzerland revolted and used his straw as a sweetpea shooter, and attacked the peasants as they worked in the cornfields, inventing sweetcorn.

Blackberries used to be called whiteberries, until the name was changed in the early 60s when Cilla White was inducted into the Black Panthers by Malcolm X.

Gooseberries come from goosebumps. The goosebumper (or scaremongerer, as they are sometimes known) frightens the goose, bashes it and extracts the berries from the bumps.

Raspberries were discovered by tree-culling presenter Phillippa Forester when she had bodily function disorder while on location for Tomorrow's World.

Tayberries, although not commonly heard of, are of alien origin. Tayberry is an anagram of Terry Bay, which is in the Orion nebula, not to be trusted.

Gran Designs

I was watching TV today and I saw this really cool programme. It was called Gran Designs, presented by Connie McCloud. She's about 80 or something and she just goes into people's homes who want a makeover and sorts their house out granny-style. It was full of really helpful hints, actually.

This is what she looks like (above).

She made some curtains for somebody out of a fabric that looked suspiciously like one of her dresses and saved them a fortune on buying blinds. Then she gave their rugs a good cleaning by beating them. You wouldn't have thought she had the strength.

Then she gave them all these helpful tips like using Alka-Seltzer to clean the loo or polish jewellery, and air freshener to clean mirrors. And apparently ants won't cross a chalk line. Maybe it gets between their little toes and glues them up.

I'm doubtful about that last one but I don't tend to have too much trouble with ants where I live, in my little bubble of Steveland. Anyway, I'll be using lemon juice on my glass as I do have quite a lot of that and I heard the acid will get it all shiny. Mmm... shiny bright.