I'm a very silly fish

I was a bit bored tonight, swimming around in my little bowl, so I thought up these jokes:

What is Japan's favourite cheese?
Gorgonzilla!

How do you create a hairless fruit in Cuba?
Shave a guava!

Why did the court musicians get upset once a month?
Because of their minstrel cycle!

What was King Midas' favourite starter?
24-carat soup!

How do you tell if a fisherman's had enough sleep?
Check if he's caught 40 winkles!

What's got a chocolate coating and an electrifying centre?
Malt-tasers!

Why did the carpenter remove 3?
Because he wanted 2 by 4!

Live web cam. Honest

After a request for a live web cam I decided to get one installed. This was a better idea than I thought as it proves I'm not pestering Tony for food all day.

It may look like a continuous loop but it's what I do. I just swim round and round in circles all day quite innocently and I assure you I'm not up to no good.

An outrage!

I received a tip-off about a shocking case of anti-fishism and gross stereotyping recently. 'Number One Fish Lover' wrote to me advising me of the above advert, which appeared in Saturday's Guardian.

As you can see, the advert implies that goldfish have a poor memory, and of course this is a common misconception probably put about by the same people who maintain that Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow. I don't know how they can say their data storage is better than fish memory though; in the old days everything was stored on microfish. And memory is dangerous - it only takes one megabite to get caught on a hook.

As Fish Lover pointed out, I am used to this type of racial slur, but she believes I should fight for the rights of goldfish everywhere. I am inclined to agree, as if we let this kind of bigotry and prejudice go unchallenged it will only get worse. She suggests a boycott of all Jessops stores, and I think that this plus fishy sanctions imposed on them and widespread demonstrations should get the message across nicely.

I would like to point out to Number One Fish Lover, though, that liking fish for supper is not actually something we encourage. Although as long as you just stick to the halibut and those pesky crustaceans it's OK. Cod's alright as well, they're no use to no one.

Church of Rolf Update

I couldn't believe it when I got my fins on the latest product from Sir Rolf off Seabay. It's the 'Stylophone'. I was so pleased to get the latest fashionable mobile phone.

But it's a scam, it's only a pen on a wire with a box. You can't even communicate by writing with it. It makes an annoying buzzing sound when you try.

I'm starting to lose faith.

Exchange students from the school of fish

I recently received an anonymous comment about the alleged foreign fish who live with me. I feel that I must reply to this accusation ('Steve the Gangmaster') before my reputation is sullied for good. I must have my say in this tropical debate.

These fish, whom I generously allowed into my home, assured me that they had all the relevant paperwork. Although it had been difficult for them to get passports, they managed to swim past the port very quickly and leave their country that way. They informed me that they would be studying, and as such all had student visas.

And yes, their conditions were hot and they shared a tank, but that's how they live where they come from, and they said it would be fine. OK, they could see me in my large, comfortable globe of importance, but to allow them the same living conditions would be to give them the impression they had the same rights as me, a fish native to these shores. I worked hard to get where I am today, building myself up from just another common goldfish to Steve, with my own bowl and two humans. And I wouldn't like to swallow one of the smaller ones by accident. I'm sure the smaller fish wouldn't have liked that either.

In any case, the fish have a lifespan of around two years, so they have now left their tank for the big white bowl in the bathroom - I mean fishbowl in the sky, and I have not yet taken in any more immigrant labourers - I mean exchange students.

My X-ray vision

An interesting fact about me is that I'm a goldfish, so I have excellent vision. Goldfish, and another fish and some birds and insects too, can see in infra-red and ultra-violet as well as the visible spectrum mere humans see in. This means, of course, that I can see the infra-red beam of Frank, the TV remote control (most annoying). Some people have even suggested that can see through thin metals, and I can confirm that this is true, but it doesn't tend to come in all that useful.

Another interesting fact about me (being a goldfish) is that I can not only recognise humans, but different ones at that. I know which ones are likely to feed me and which ones are easily tricked into feeding me twice. This can backfire, as I am an opportunistic feeder (like all fish) and if I eat too much my intestines could burst. Yuck.

And of course I have a much longer memory than 30 seconds (or three seconds, as one vicious rumour had it), so don't think I've forgotten...

I was sent this picture this weekend. It was made from the hair clippings from the cutting room floor of the Pixar studios, and dyed purple using Monsters Ink.

My memoirs 1

I was reminiscing today about my early life. It hasn't all been a bed of roses, with two humans on hand 24 hours a day, attending to my every whim and spoiling me rotten.

Yes, they rescued me from a pet shop in Gateshead where we lived sometimes ten or fifteen fish to a tank, and packed into this little shop like so much merchandise. There might have been five thousand of us altogether. Oh, it was a lucky escape. And you know how many humans we had looking after us? Only one.

Who would have thought one human could feed five thousand fishes?